no one's laughing at god.

it's funny how my life goes. my intuition says "no no nooooo" and then my emotions say "well, maybe... lets just try and see." does this make sense? i can logically tell myself why something is not good, why i should not do something. but then i just take the logical argument, toss it aside, and go for it. which is sometimes good, many times bad.

good because sometimes you have to take a risk and do something even though it doesn't logically make sense.
bad because most of the time, the logical argument is there because its just that... logical. following your emotions too far can get messy. giving in to everything you want, when you want it, is not always beneficial.

so where does that leave me? mmmm perplexed. i know i should just say no. but i don't. i say, maybe there is hope... knowing full well there isn't. maybe it will end well... it never does. each time i give in to my desires, i let myself be hurt a little more. and then at that point you have no one to blame but yourself. you can only blame people for their actions so far until its your fault for letting them hurt you. for letting yourself be disappointed when you knew your expectations were founded on hopes and dreams, not real life.

the funny thing is, i could write and think all day, trying to be objective. but when it comes down to it, i don't have the will power. i don't have the sense of delayed gratification. i don't have much hope for the future. i can't expect too much from anyone. but yet i still feel strangely optimistic. like someday things in life will find their place, myself included. like the skies will open up and god will finally say "oh hey, here i am. see, its gonna work out." that'd be wild.

until then... i guess i can just take life one day at a time and accept responsibility for my choices. and hope that the people i encounter will be willing to extend a little grace and forgiveness as i will try and do the same for them.

aaaaaamen.