death and taxes.

here i am again, facing the deterioration and death of another loved one. its the time where its not "if" but "when." when its never good news. last summer i lost one of my favorite people in the entire world, my sitto [grandmother]. i still forget sometimes that she's gone. its too hard to think i'll never see her again.

now its my nana. she's always had a wide array of health problems but recently its been a quick moving downhill battle. she hadn't been feeling well and then they found cancer. in her stomach, liver, and bones. and now she's just being kept comfortable, refusing her meds, not eating, not quite aware...

the hard part about every grandparent death i've gone through is the fact that they've all been so far away. my sitto and giddo were both in PA and my nana is in california. i can't be there to say goodbye. to give her one last hug and kiss and send her home knowing how much i've loved and appreciated her throughout my life. i don't know if it'd be harder to see her in this state, but it would be closure. at least i could say goodbye.

i just keep thinking that i don't want her to go alone and in pain. my mom and aunt and pop pop are with her but ... no one wants to die alone. and why can't everyone go peacefully in their sleep? why does there have to be pain and sickness and the deterioration of the quality of life?

i don't want to get old. i don't want to face health problem after health problem only to be faced with the fact that your only hope is the end of your life. i imagine and pray that there really is life after death and that its better than anything here. that it makes up for a life plagued with illness and pain...

so now its just a waiting game. waiting for the call. preparing our hearts for another loss. for the realization that our family is growing older and that life will run its course.